12 weeks into treatment and this fact becomes more clear to me every day: There are 3 components involved with change- Accepting that it’s necessary, being willing to make a change, and committing to do and following through on it. It’s tough as hell.
Acceptance:
Everyday I become more accepting of the fact that I will likely struggle with an eating disorder for the rest of my life. However, I don’t have to let it rule me and can be in control of my actions. I accept that my eating disorder is an evil thing that will sneak in at any moment and attempt to sabotage my efforts at recovery. As hard as it is to admit this, it’s what is going to make recovery possible for me. 5 years ago I entered treatment for the first time at the age of 20 with the belief that “I’m going to walk out of the door of this facility completely recovered and never think about me eating disorder again.” Well, that certainly wasn’t the case was it? It would be inaccurate for me to think this is something that will go away, however, I know that I can lead a life that will provide the tools and strength to get through this and live a life based on values, hope, and free of darkness.
I can also accept that I do deserve a life that is free of guilt, shame, and loneliness. I accept that some days it will be very hard, but I also know that some days it will be easier. We all deserve a life like that and it’s in our human rights to be happy. But we don’t have to be happy all the time; life includes feelings of sadness, happiness, love, and heartbreak. And we need to accept that.
Willingness:
Lately, the willingness piece has been more difficult. Yes, I want to get better and beat this (and I am), but often the thoughts do come in that want a return to my old, comfortable, predictable life. I’ve been contemplating this blog post for a few days without knowing where to start. I noticed that if anyone else asked me to do something for them, that I would do it as fast and as best that I could without thinking about it. However, when it comes time to do something for myself, it’s an entire different ball game and there’s a realization that I don’t think I am as important. It took committing to my therapist and my peers here that I would post and update this week.
In preparing to update though, I saw pictures of my old self at swim practice and sooo terribly wanted that body back. My eating disorder told me immediately that I could do all the things I have been working on here- flexibility, social interaction, love, friendship, spontaneity- and still get that body back. My dietician helped me see, however, that, no, I couldn’t. Undernourished, fatigued, and unhappy, my body would not be able to feed my mind enough to let me do those things. Hence why, as hard as I tried to beat this eating disorder by myself, I wasn’t able to do.
I’ll be straight up, I’ve reached my “maintenance weight”, which is significantly more than I weighed when I entered treatment 12 weeks ago. Does this petrify me? Absolutely. Everyone I know has only known me as I used to look. No one has seen me at a normal weight then lose weight and then return from treatment back at a normal weight. I am incredibly scared of coming back and being judged for how I look–that I will no longer have an identity; no longer be “the athlete” or “the kid with the eating disorder.” I am also scared of how to reintroduce exercise without being sucked back into it as I was before. I am willing to try though. And I will succeed. Breaking the connections of food and exercise is tough for me; that I have to earn and deserve food in order to be able to enjoy it. However, being here has greatly helped me with that. I am now able to lift weights a few times a week and will begin to reintroduce cardio next week. On the days I don’t workout though, there’s still no choice that I need to eat all my meals and snacks.
I also realize that I was giving food an immense amount of power. Literally, the only source of “happiness” on many days came from my dinner and being able to eat it. But in order to feel like I deserved it, it took sacrifice throughout the day and obsessive amounts of exercise. That’s why it was so hard for me to do activities that would threaten a meal that I had earned, because if something else got in the way of it, what then would I be able to find happiness in? It also prevented me from being truly present with friends- fully engaged and I’m sure made me less fun to be around. I hadn’t seen this need to avoid loneliness by restricting and exercise, as those would make me not feel “left out” because it gave me an excuse of something that I had to anyway. A necessary obligation to “train and eat right”
Committed Action:
I am committed beating this. 100%, no doubt, absolutely. I am incredibly unhappy with my body- Coming in, I had this fear that I was just a shallow and vain person for thinking that this was all just a stifling fear of becoming fat. Just having that fear that I am shallow has shown me that there is more to this than just surface appearance. I have been digging deeper and don’t have a definitive answer yet, but I know large maintaining factors are feeling accepted as an athlete and a way to not feel lonely.
Part of the committed actions I make are to view and thank my body what it can do; to view my body as instrument, not adornment. I now have the ability to build muscle and get stronger, be more present, function more healthily, and think more clearly. I can take up hockey again and enjoy or go mountain biking and have the energy to make it through a day. I also can now let myself take the adventures or go on the trips which the eating disorder prevented me from doing. I’m not just going to walk out cured, but I have the skills to make change happen.
The most anxiety still comes from seeing people I haven’t seen in 3 months and returning looking completely different. Yes, it’s going to be noticeable and how do I deal with that? Especially with people who never knew I had an eating disorder. I also need to draw lines between those who I’m accountable to, and those can support me. I had given too much responsibility to friends and strained relationships because of that.
Committing to be willing is the hardest part in all but it the most significant part of change. To make change you can’t just go through the motions, but, as I’ve said before, you’ve got to be willing to be comfortable being uncomfortable.
Thanks for reading
Denver
Congrats on hitting your maintenance weight Chuck! That is a big deal! And thank you for sharing this post. It shows how truly hard you are working, and that you are committed to fighting this disease. We are all very excited to have you back in Tampa!
Hey Mary!
Thanks for the comment, I really appreciate that you read it. I think I’ve got another 2 weeks here, then I’m going to head back to DC and then back to Tampa. I’m nervous but I can’t wait to see all of you! Congratulations again on Chicago- I loved your recap.
Chuck
I’m really happy for you Chuck and I honestly can see a huge change already. I know you are ready to face back home and I know you are going to do so well. I’m very excited for you Chuck!
Thank you so much for sharing this. Some things resonate for me so deeply as an athlete. You are very intelligent and a great writer. I am happy for you.
Hey!
Thank you so much for reading, I really appreciate that. I think as athletes a lot of us can understand, but I know from what you’ve shared with me that you understand more than most. Thanks again for the kind words, they mean a lot, especially right now,
Chuck
Chuck,
Food is a gift. Friends are a gift. Enjoyment is a gift. We are not entitled to any of these things, nor do we have to earn them. We are given them by a loving God, and it’s time we accept that and not feel guilty about that.
You have said all that I can say. When you get to a point where food is all you think of, things have to change. I know it, and you know it. Things can’t get any worse.
I am going out to hang out with a group of 15 or so people tonight to watch a baseball game and hang out. I’m doing it because a few weeks ago you told me I had to do something. You warned me because you cared, and I took that to heart. I can’t thank you enough for that.
Be confident. Welcome the new world, and when you feel that anxiety, when you feel that need to run and eat and repeat and repeat; stop, say a prayer, and take a look outside the window. There’s a gift out there, and it’s yours whether you do those things or not.
every update is truly inspiring. keep it up
Thanks for sharing Chuck! It means a Lot that you are willing to be vulnerable and open with us. Try to calm your fears. We are all excited to have you back in a way we didn’t have you before. We are excited to get to know the real Chuck…not the Chuck with an eating disorder. I want you to memorize this verse (I’m doing the same as part of my own recovery). “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9
You are an amazing man. Keep your focus and you will succeed. Life is a balancing act and without focus it can come down all around you.
Chuck!
This post is amazing…thank you for sharing!
I’m so proud of you!
I’m always here, as I’ve told you plenty of times
Hugs!
Hi Chuck, I had no idea. I finally read your blog when I saw it updated this morning. I am sorry for your struggles. The Lord knows we all have our own we are dealing with day to day. But I am so glad to see you are overcoming them and being an inspiration to others at the same time. Best of luck my birthday buddy and I can’t wait to talk to you ina few weeks when you get back!
Teresa Young – MPC
Chuck, I just read your blog and I am so proud of you. You are an incredibly strong individual and I know you are strong enough to continue to fight this. Knowing you when you were in college I saw the strength and perseverance you have. Thanks for posting your blog, that is such a big step. Congratulations on reaching your maintenance weight!
Chuck buddy it’s so nice to hear from you again. This post resonates with me so much. For me it took moving to another country to start realising these things and I’m glad it has come to you as well. The acceptance I also found the hardest. It’s not a nice thing to have to tell yourself but I think my old supervisor put it best. “People go out in the world looking to change themselves or become something different. Waste of bloody time if you can ask me. Changing is long, hard and difficult. Better to just accept something for what it is, embrace what is good and who knows maybe the bad stuff will get better in the meantime.”
It seems a bit bleak at first he was right. If you obsess over change then everything stays the same as you jump from one obsession to the next. Change is gradual so just let it do its thing.
I know how your body looks will stress you out, it still gets to me at times. Just steel yourself up for it is all I can say. People WILL say inappropriate things when trying to be nice. People WILL say things you don’t want to hear. People WILL say “Aww doesn’t he look well.” and if you are anything lik me it’ll make your gut wrench. Just try and leave it at that. One thing you do know is that they DO care about you and are just trying to encourage. At the end of the day I’ve never met you, most of what I know about you are your words. They inspire. You’ve touched many people without them ever meeting you. That just proves you are more than the sum of the meat and bones and fluids that make you up. You are more than just a body Chuck, never forget that.
At first I was so paranoid about what other people though like you say but gradually I came to realise most people just don’t care. Seriously 90% of the worlds population spend 90% of their time thinking about 1 person, themselves. They don’t care what you are doing, eating, drinking, or not. They’ve got their own lives to live. I don’t want that to sound depressing I just mean that you can’t put so much weight on what you think they are thinking. Chances are they’re just as paranoid as you are
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Sorry for rambling on but dammit I’m so happy to be reading this
. Do go play some hockey, ride that bike and have tose adventures. Break out from the box, run wild or chill out lay in bed all day. Embrace freedom Chuck, I’m sure you’ll remember how good it felt soon.
Your words are so honest & bare–thank you for sharing. I don’t really have the words to thank you, but your strength in writing this post shows how committed you are to finding balance–I know it’s something I struggle with in other areas of my life and I found your post encouraging. So. Thank you & peace & love sent your way!
Hey! I hope you don’t mind me following you haha that sounds funny!
Just read through a few of your old posts and although I don’t have an ed, I can relate to a lot of what you’ve written. I think it’s great you’re getting help… I hope you come out of it stronger and better than before, by the sounds of things you already are… Anyway, I will stop my ramble there… keep strong! ps: here in Australia we also spell COLOUR! 
Hi Mr!
I am so proud of you! I know you look 100x better because HEALTH is beautiful!
you are CHUCK…there is no adjective that can describe YOU…not athlete, businessman, etc. those adjectives are not a black & white description (a weight-lifter and a runner LOOK completely different but both fit in the athlete category!) and trying to BE ‘something’ robs you of who you are!
you are a wonderful person and have SO MUCH to offer to others.
who cares if you don’t run a darn race again, or complete a Tri again (although I know you will)…if those things are robbing you of happiness and a GOOD life, than they are not worth it.
I have many more words…this needs to turn into an email
xoxo!
Chuck, I’ve seen photos of you on Facebook and, frankly, you look awesome. You look healthy, you look strong, and you look so much better than you did when you started treatment 12 weeks ago. We are all so excited about your progress there and can’t wait to welcome you back with open arms. We’re EXCITED to meet the new Chuck! Something tells me he just as fabulous as the old one.
You are brave. You also hit a nerve. I have battled an eating disorder most of my life and I am 37. I finally figured out how to eat fo fuel, through paleo. But. Evey day is a new challenge, old habits ae so damn comforting sometimes. If you need support, or an ear that understands, e-mail me. I will keep eading and rooting you! Your courage makes me feel less alone and somehow, more poweful. Keep going forward. All of the best.
i bet you look even stronger and healthier than ever. Youre changing from the inside out and that is huge. Be good to yourself. I know, a lot easier said than done. Know that God gave you the strength to get through this and will USE you to help others. That’s real power!
I don’t know you, I stumbled on your blog. You are very brave not only seek treatment but to share your innermost thoughts and feelings. I, too struggle with an eating disorder and your words echo mine,on every post. Thank you for making me realize I am not alone in my thoughts and feelings. You are an inspiration.
You are amazing! I miss you so much and you are a hero to many
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