So I finally have a quick minute to provide an update! I wrote this over a week ago, but all of it remains true. I’m learning a lot here about myself, my struggles, and my future. What I have some to realize is that life is not just about being “happy”. In fact, it is this endless striving for happiness that keeps us unhappy. Living a full and fulfilling life means to feel all emotions–happiness and sadness, fear and anger, hope and joy. We must experience all of these and not try to blunt them. I am also learning that the eating disordered thoughts I am having may always be there, but I’m ok with that. I’ve just got to learn how to control them, manage them, and tolerate them while acknowledging that, yes, they are there, but I don’t have to act upon them.
I wrote this email to all my team, family, and friends to let you know all that has been going on. I wanted to give you just an update of what’s been going on here.
To start, last week, my treatment coordination team (Psychiatrist, therapist, dietitian, family therapist, and nurse) asked how my impulses had been around exercise. I at first wanted to lie, but then realized that that is not the man I want to be anymore and I told them I had been doing push ups in my room. It was not a ton, and probably not burning and calories, but from talking through it what I realized was that the purpose it was serving was not that I woke up every day thinking “yay, I feel like I would really enjoy some push ups!”, but really it was just my eating disorder telling me, “we don’t really want to feel the awful things we feel when you don’t exercise, all the real problems in your life, so lets just do enough to take that edge off ti all to make this day bearable.”
So this weekend I swore to myself and God that I would not engage in any of those behaviors. I had to keep in mind that 1) I swore to God, so breaking that trust was unthinkable, 2) if I did the actions I would have to deal with one of two feelings: first, I would either lie to my team and feel awful about that, or alternately, tell them truth and feel awful about letting them all down. So I didn’t do any of my behaviors. But it did not help waking up on Saturday morning feeling that overnight my stomach had ballooned into this fat, gross, flabby, unattractive blob. that looked like I had been stung by a bee and was swollen. This had me really upset emotionally and physically, but I still did do any push ups or exercise which only increased the anxiety…. but I got through it! And I sat with those emotions of feeling how much it sucked, how much I hated it, and how much these feelings allowed me to actually feel what the eating disorder was making me hide.
Now, there is so much more under this all that I can get into later, but while talking to my dad on Saturday night, one of the reasons just sort of came out. One of my values is connection–with friends, family, God, and just socially (we’ve seen how good that ha gone, right? lol). What came out in the conversation I was having with him was that I realized I want to feel included. Let me elaborate. Every time my friends (or family) do anything without me, or if I’m not invited somewhere, my immediate reaction is that “they don’t like me” or “I’m not cool enough that they would want to hang out with me.” (Yes, I am aware that lately, that has actually been true; that I am not someone who people would probably want to hang out with). But, in order to handle, or to not feel these feelings at all, I engage in my eating disorder behaviors. Therefore, I am back in control. In 2 ways, first being that I blunt the feelings altogether. But second, and more importantly, I realized that I am just using these behaviors to give me control and reasons for not being invited. If I “have to do my workout” or “have to prepare all my food, etc etc”, then I am back in control, and the reason I am missing out on whatever my friends or family are doing is back on me. “I couldn’t have gone anyway because my workout had to be done.” Then my eating disorder lies to me and says “I don’t mind being alone, this is the way I like to be.”
When clearly this is NOT the case because I so badly want to be included and want to be part of that connection.
The other thing I am petrified is, of course, gaining the weight. To me, if I’m not where I was when I came in, I’m obese. I am trying to work through these emotions and look it as a pendulum– On one end these is the state I came in at: No health, no friends, screwed up hormones, no testosterone, but feeling like I am healthy, fit, fast, and lean. On the other end is obese, no exercise eating twinkies and drinking Slurpies all day. I figure if I’m not where I was when I got here, that I just automatically swing right to the other side. I am trying to remember that “healthy” is a good word. It’s got “heal” in the word, and that, lets be honest, 95% of Americans are NOT healthy, so being healthy needs to be OK with me… it’s still in that 5%.
Also, I fear that I won’t be a fast, or I won’t be as “good”a triathlete, or people won’t like me, or I’ll be fat if I’m not where I am now, but how do I know that? How can I make those assumptions if I’ve never actually let myself get there? What if I am faster and fitter and can enjoy exercise again? What if my relationships are 100 times better and I can actually think clearer again? What if I can find a way to balance exercise, health, and friendships at a happy equilibrium and to actually enjoy life once again?? I’ll never know unless I give myself that acceptance, which at this point, is the hardest, most difficult, most manly, most courageous, most scary, thing I could do. What if i turn out to be a triathlon beast which I never knew? Or a for damn sure good and reliable friend?
But I need to remember–a pendulum has to hit every single point while it makes its way from one end to another. Therefore, I just need to let this pendulum start swinging and know there is a point I will find, where my body feels healthy and strong and will tell me where it wants to be, and I also can balance good friends and the enjoyment of exercise.
Well that was a novel, but I just wanted to keep you updatde (and to reiterate this all to myself)! Thank you to everyone who reached out and to everyone who reads. Here are some pictures from the couple times I’ve been able to get out.
I apologize if I can’t respond to any comments as I can’t always access the blog from inside the center, but I will try!
My brand new Baby Cousin, Finn
Red Rocks Amphitheater– So beautiful
A little fun at the zoo…
T-Shirt I made
Me and Finn again